


Would you love me less?

by CaptainSif



Series: Buddie First Kiss Week [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Background Maddie/Doug mention, Best Friends to Lovers, Buddie First Kiss Week 2020 (9-1-1 TV), Doug is still an asshole even in highschool, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, House Party, Insecurities, M/M, No Sex, No Smut, Secret Crush, Sex Talk, Teen Crush, Truth or Dare, but they talk about it, discussion of former relationships, prompt: on a dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:33:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainSif/pseuds/CaptainSif
Summary: Buck can't pretend he doesn't know what Maddie's doing.Ever since Ali broke up with him, she's been dragging him to even more social outings than before.And while he appreciates her efforts, they also had an unintended side effect: A crush on his best friend.Buck hasn't told anyone about it, not even his other friends, and he doesn't plan to change that.He'll do everything not to let anything slip, even when facing Eddie in a game of Truth or Dare.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Buddie First Kiss Week [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768900
Comments: 12
Kudos: 141





	Would you love me less?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a suuuper late entry for the Buddie First Kiss week prompt On a Dare.
> 
> Thanks go out to [Jen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jecari/pseuds/Jecari) for the archery suggestion that made me go _wtf_ but I liked too much not to encorporate in the fic, to [Erika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emquin/pseuds/emquin) whose [high school au](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22769044) inspired me to write my own take, and to all the people who've been screaming at me to finally edit this fic when I brought up that I still haven't posted it.
> 
> If you want to I also have a quote from the song I named this fic after ([Love me Less by MAX and Quinn XCII](https://youtu.be/QO_Qz7ivhYQ)) that I found fitting:  
>  _Baby, would you love me less  
>  If you knew the places that I've been?  
> If you knew the damage that I did?  
> Oh, would you love me less?  
> Would you love me less  
> If I had a dollar for my sins?  
> If you knew the beds that I've been in?  
> Oh, would you love me less?_

Buck can't pretend he doesn't know what his sister is doing. Ever since he's been old enough so that her friends wouldn't roll their eyes at his presence, she's been taking him to her friends' parties, sports events, and bowling outings. Buck secretly thinks that she does that because she doesn't like Doug's friends very much but he knows better than to mention it at the dinner table.

Ever since Ali broke up with him, she's been especially insufferable though and Buck is very much seeing a pattern there. She's even been barging into his room and asking if he's ok about twice as often as before.

And it's not like Buck can't comprehend why she'd do it because he  _ knows _ he's been less cheerful these past few weeks. And ok, he gets how it's easy to think that is because he's still sad about their breakup. And at first it was. 

But Maddie, with all her good intentions, had been trying to recruit  _ his _ friends just as much as her own to cheer him up, and Buck thought that was great. Better his own friends than Doug's that none of them liked.

But Hen was busy with band rehearsals and her new girlfriend, Chimney had an archery tournament coming up and his scheduled pen and paper meetings and Bobby had his cooking classes and his figure skating lessons and his hockey training and… whatever else Bobby did in his free time, Buck did not pretend to be able to keep up. So that left him with Eddie who, he had to admit, he's probably been closest to out of their whole group ever since he moved to the city.

And yeah, spending so much time with Eddie made him get over Ali sooner than anticipated but it also made him fall for the boy who was quickly becoming his best friend. Which then had him facing a wholly new set of problems and he was again sad, just now for different reasons.

A crush on your best friend is not exactly something you tell your sister about, especially one that meddles enough as it is already.

So he lets Maddie think that he’s still hung up on Ali. But this is way worse. Because if there’s one thing Buck learned as Buck 1.0 it’s that you don’t hook up with your friends. And Eddie is not just  _ any _ friend. He’s his best friend. And Buck knows that platonic heartbreak can be just as bad as romantic and if he lost Eddie… he’d go through both. No, thank you.

No one can ever know about his crush.

"Are you going to Veronica's party on Saturday?" Eddie's taking up his fork to dig into his potatoes.

"Who's Veronica?" Chimney asks curiously.

"One of Maddie's friends." Buck looks at his own lunch scornfully. He feels Chimney moving on the canteen chair next to him, all of which stand too close for anyone to be comfortable and he knows where he's looking. "Stop ogling my sister from afar, it's weird."

Chimney turns his eyes back to their table, where Hen and Bobby are pointedly looking at him. Buck has given it up already and rests his eyes on Eddie instead, whose thoughts are very clearly somewhere else today.

"If you'd bring me to one of those parties you get invited to, I wouldn't have to do it from afar. I could do it from up close."

"Or," Buck rolls his eyes "you could just ask her out. Maybe she'd finally dump that loser Doug."

Hen lets out an amused huff. "I really don't understand if you want Chimney to date your sister or not."

"I don't" Buck moves his head to glare at her, lifting his fork to point at Chimney "but he's a better option than Doug."

"You think everyone's better than Doug," Hen points out and Buck has to signify defeat.

"Touché."

He eats a few bites before continuing: "I don't get invited anyway. Maddie just brings me along cause she thinks I'm lonely."

"Does she think you don't have friends?" Chimney clicks his tongue. "What are we then?"

"Except all of you don't really have time on Saturday evenings with everything going on in your lives," Buck points out, "I still think she just brings me as a buffer between her and Doug's friends."

"So you'll be there on Saturday?" Eddie steers the conversation back to its original topic.

"Yeah, where else would I be?" He narrows his eyes at him. "Why are you asking?"

Eddie grunts. "My sisters conspired against me. My parents are away for the night and Adriana wants to be alone with her boyfriend, so Sophia is supposed to bring me to Veronica’s party. Cause they got wind that Maddie usually brings you."

"Ugh. Sisters."

Eddie sighs in assent.

“Work on your poker face” Buck directs at him seriously before pushing his fork into his mouth.

Eddie lifts his eyebrows in horror. "They don't play strip poker at those parties, do they?"

Buck hears the rest of his friends snicker and, yeah, a year ago he might have engaged in that kinda game. Once or twice. He ignores it.

"Nah", he replies instead, "you'll just want to be able to lie convincingly at  _ Truth or Dare _ . The dares are harmless but the truths are vicious and you should tell them nothing that you don't want the whole town to know."

Eddie's face goes kind of white and Buck wonders what kind of secret Eddie might be keeping that makes him feel that way.

Buck should have known that he jinxed it. After telling Eddie that he doesn't have to fear the dares, it is,  _ of course _ , a dare that makes Buck himself freak out.

Buck has had a few years of practice navigating the party games of Maddie's friends, how to tell just enough so he's got an interesting story to tell, without giving away the really juicy bits and how to not feel any shame about the dares. He's kissed and slept with enough people for most of  _ those _ dares to not even be considered hot gossip anyway and they can only throw so much other embarrassing stuff at him.

But that was when he attended those parties alone with Maddie.

Now there’s Eddie, brought by his own sister, sitting across from him in the circle of seniors. Eddie keeps smiling at him, obvious that he has no investment in any of the truths told or dares dared, most of the people in the room being strangers to him.

Buck tries to smile back from time to time but he knows it’s forced and that Eddie can tell. He just hopes Eddie doesn’t take it personally. The wheels in Buck’s head keep on turning, preparing to deny his crush on his best friend if it comes up. Which he knows won’t be easy with said best friend not once having broken eye contact for longer than a few seconds during the whole time they’ve been sitting in the circle on the floor in Victoria’s house.

Under all other circumstances Buck would be thriving beneath Eddie’s undivided attention but tonight he would gladly welcome any kind of distraction.

“Remember we have fresh meat tonight!” Chad yells at Lily who’s apparently currently choosing the next person, Buck would be lying if he pretends he was paying attention.

“Eddie it is then,” Lily smiles, and Buck relaxes, knowing Eddie’s focus will be taken away from him for a while.

“Dare” Eddie replies and sneaks a subtle wink at Buck, making him blush. The blush quickly dies down once Buck remembers that means he’ll most probably have to watch Eddie kiss someone that isn’t him.

Lily pretends to look around the room, contemplating what to dare Eddie, but Buck knows it’s all just for show and she’s already settled on something in her mind. He knows their tells. Then Lily’s face splits into a grin.

“Choose one person in this room and kiss them.”

Buck observes Eddie’s reaction. It’s a common dare and Buck hopes that as such Eddie’s prepared his choice beforehand so he won’t feel the pressure as much now. He warned him about their truth or dare games after all.

Now it’s Eddie’s turn to look around the room at the people present. Buck can’t fail to/help but notice that for the first time this evening Eddie looks at everyone but him. And he gets it. You just don’t consider your best friend as an option to kiss.

Eddie’s starting to blush. Sophia is smirking next to her brother and Buck must admit that if he wasn’t so emotionally invested in Eddie’s choice, he’d probably find it hilarious too.

“I know a total of three people in this room” Eddie admits. Buck’s eyes drift back to him, wondering where Eddie is going with this. “I’d feel weird kissing somebody I don’t know.” He turns to look at Sophia. “I also won’t kiss my sister. Just ew.” Sophia laughs at him. Then Eddie turns to Buck, or at least nearly. He addresses Maddie: “I don’t really feel like kissing someone who’s in a relationship either, even within a game, especially if that person is my best friend’s sister. So, I’m really sorry,” now Eddie finally turns to Buck, looking apologetically “Buck, but I think that I’m gonna have to kiss you.”

So. This is the dare. The first dare in years that makes Buck nervous. And it isn’t even his own.

It’s Eddie’s.

Eddie, who  _ fucking chose _ to kiss him of all people in lieu of all the other teens in the room. And while Buck listened to what Eddie said and understood why he made that choice his heart still can’t help but hammer way too loudly in his chest at the prospect of feeling Eddie’s lips against his own.

_ It won’t mean the same for Eddie _ , Buck reminds himself, and he keeps reminding himself of that fact while Eddie moves towards him, the other teens around them whispering and giggling. At this moment, Buck is so grateful that he’s had Abby and Ali and therefore won’t be tainting Eddie’s reputation as much as he would have back when his defining characteristic had been being a manwhore.

Buck shortly wonders if Eddie even knows how bad his reputation had been back then. Chimney, Hen, and Bobby kept joking about it but he didn’t know how much of it  _ really _ registered to Eddie.

This thought served as the necessary distraction for Buck not to freak out any more, the touch of Eddie’s lips pulling him back to reality. It’s over as fast as it started but Buck’s mind can’t help but linger on the feel of the soft press on his lips, even as Eddie’s already back to sitting in his place on the other side of the room. Eddie’s hesitantly lifting one corner of his mouth in a shy smile and Buck tries to reciprocate as casually as possible. He’s certain he fails. He fears it will become a pattern.

Buck barely registers Eddie choosing his sister and the dare he makes her do, even less the few rounds after that, only occasionally taking note Eddie’s face contorting in worry.

_ It’s dumb _ , Buck thinks. He’s kissed so many people,  _ hell _ , he slept with so many people and one single kiss from Eddie, one that was barely even a kiss, mostly just their lips brushing together, Eddie obviously cautious not to overstep any boundaries (which makes Buck fall for him even more because… how many people have ever really cared about his boundaries?), that kiss was the one that left Buck reeling because he knew he’d never get more than this single brush of lips.

He tries to remember if this had been similar with Abby and Ali in the time before they became a couple. But they had both pursued  _ him _ and there had never been a moment where Buck felt like they were unattainable. But at the time, he didn’t think anyone was unattainable.

And none of them had been his best friend. Not like Eddie is.

The only thing bringing Buck’s attention back to the party he is currently attending is his name being said by Natalie, calling on him to decide between truth or dare.

He cringes at the choice he is about to make, but he knows that Natalie’s dare would consist of him kissing her or one of her closest girl friends and as much as Buck had sworn himself not to choose truth tonight under any circumstances in order not to let slip about his feelings for Eddie, Buck doesn’t think he could stomach kissing anybody else right now. In front of Eddie.

(And yes, Buck knows that is irrational because Eddie wouldn’t care. Buck does though, and just the thought of kissing somebody else while Eddie is in the room and could watch makes him want to either throw up or curl up in a pile of blankets. His friends would tell him he’s being dramatic.)

“Truth,” Buck presses out. He sees Eddie’s eyebrows rising at him in question, even manages to shrug at him before concentrating on whatever Natalie is gonna throw at him.

It’s obvious she’s disappointed but she covers it up well, putting on a thinking face before posing her question.

“How often did you have to go to the hospital for sex-related things?” she’s grinning at him with lifted eyebrows and he’s again asking himself why she’s so hell-bent on kissing him in these games when she seems to think that he’s contracted every STD existent on the planet.

Buck hears Maddie snort next to him and sends her a glare, making her motion sewing her lips shut in response.

And now he already regrets choosing truth. Kissing somebody else would have been insurmountably preferable over talking about his sexual history in a room of people that make no secret of judging him for it. He cringes, already strengthening himself for the imminent possibility of losing the one friendship that matters to him more than any other.

He never much liked Natalie but his dislike for her takes on a new dimension now.

He ponders over what to say, deciding on: “I’m doing yearly std testing, as you should. And that’s about it.”

“ _ About _ it? So there’s more?”

A few people snicker.

When it seems like Buck doesn’t plan to answer, Natalie adds: “Come on, we all know your sexual history. Tell me, are you on first-name basis with the doctors?”

And now Buck knows that she’s only doing it to taunt him and he hates it, hates her so much now, hates Doug for making Maddie go to these parties with his awful friends and even her for bringing him along.

He knows that last part is unfair.

He’s taken a lot of those jokes throughout high school, has taken a lot of people asking him invasive questions about his sex life, taking him being so open about his sexuality as an invitation to do so. But his mind has already been on high alert ever since Eddie kissed him, making him, for once, not wanting to take any of it.

So he gets up and leaves.

He doesn’t even look at Eddie,  _ especially not at Eddie _ , or at Maddie, just leaves the room, steps out of the house, and sits down on the stairs leading into the garden. He figures this is far enough, considering he doesn’t want to leave Maddie to go home alone or, even worse, with Doug and no one at the party would follow him out anyway. Hen might, if she was here, but she isn’t, and Buck suddenly misses her.

Which is dumb, Buck thinks, he was ok on his own at these parties before. He lets his head fall into his hands. Why did that one kiss from Eddie leave his emotions so in disarray?

He hears the door open behind him but doesn’t turn around. Maddie should know better than to come after him right now.

He hears her sit down next to him, or well, it doesn’t quite sound like her but he refuses to look up. None of the other options of who it could be sound any more appealing.

“You ok?” Eddie asks then and Buck fights the urge to groan. Why did it have to be Eddie? It would only make things harder once Eddie inevitably turned away from him.

“What are you doing outside?” Buck forwent replying to the question. “The party is happening inside.”

Buck could hear his best friend chewing on his lip and he felt the slight tap of Eddie’s leg against his own, causing him to look up. Carefully.

“Yeah, but you’re outside. And I only came tonight because you’d be here.” Eddie smiled through the words.

And Buck knew that he was meaning that as a friend and that was ok, it was great even, somebody caring that much about him, but his heart whispered to him the treacherous hope of Eddie meaning it in a different way. In the way you’d say it to your crush. Assuming you were brave enough to say it at all.

“You still wanna spend time with me?” Buck is aware of how small he sounds but he can’t help it.

Eddie looks at him carefully and Buck feels safe, at least for a moment, because no one ever looks at him carefully. He knows that he appears cocky and brash and people think that means he knows what he wants and takes it or as him being confident enough to be able to take what one might throw at him, but Eddie looks at him like he cares for what Buck thinks. And like he cares to ask.

Buck figures that is why Eddie is his best friend. Possibly also why he fell in love with him.

He has to look away.

There are some flowers in between the cracks of the stairs that he hasn’t seen before, Buck believes they are daisies. Not like he knows much about flowers but-

“Is this about what Natalie said about your sex life?” Eddie says as casually as if they were talking about the results of the last football game or history test and not something Buck is deeply ashamed of. Buck flinches. “Your past isn’t exactly a secret, if I had a problem with that I wouldn’t have stuck around a long time ago. I know who you are now, what you did before doesn’t matter to me.”

“But” Buck interjects “how can you not judge me for it? I’ve basically been a whore for all of high school and you’ve had like what? One relationship? Which was a long-distance relationship for the most part, so I don’t even know if you ever even had sex!”

“ _ Okay _ ” Eddie recoils “I don’t know where this is coming from. I never got the feeling you wanted to talk with me about sex.”

“I don’t!”

They sit in silence for a moment and Buck is convinced, if he really hadn’t driven Eddie away before, this will definitely have done the trick. He braces himself for Eddie to stand up and walk away, turn his back on him and never look back, possibly join in on the taunts in the future, just like everyone else has done in the past. Buck ruining another friendship with his history. 

“Look” Eddie starts softly, and Buck finds himself looking up at him again, even after all. “I know you don’t like to talk about it but it’s impossible to spend time with you and not notice it, so Hen answered a few of my questions, but please don’t be mad at her, it’s all on me.”

Buck doesn’t even know what Hen told him and while he’s sure she meant well, he takes back his thought of missing her. He can very much do without her if she’s talking about his stuff without his permission. To Eddie, of all people. And Buck is sure: If anyone knows about his crush on Eddie, it’s Hen. He’s definitely gonna have to pick a bone with her.

“It’s obvious these people in there don’t respect you.” Buck can’t help to scoff at that. “And even though I can’t understand why you picked truth anyway, after warning  _ me _ that they are vicious. Which means that you absolutely knew you’d hate the question you’d be asked-”

Buck sighs. “Believe me, it was the lesser evil in that situation.”

Eddie raises a finger. “And we’ll come back to that.” He takes a deep breath. “But you were obviously uncomfortable in there with the question you were asked, so if I have added to your discomfort by choosing to kiss you, just know I’m sorry and I won’t do it again.”

“No, it’s not about that.”

“Then what is it? Why do you suddenly care about what I think about your past relationships?”

Buck sighs, brushing his hair out of his face distractedly.

“I don’t have many friends,” Buck finally starts resignedly.

“That’s not true,” Eddie replies automatically, “you have Bobby, Chimney, Hen and me.”

Buck lets his eyes drift to Eddie for a short moment before fully turning to him. He opens his mouth to speak, only to decide against it after all and facing the backyard again.

Even turning away, Buck can still feel Eddie’s attentive gaze on him. He tries to collect himself to get through his point anyway. It’s too late now, he has to explain. There’s not much to lose. “But besides you I have no friends that are into guys. I don’t- I always mess these friendships up.”

“And what? You think you’re gonna mess it up with me too?”

Buck shrugs. “I did with everyone else.”

“I wouldn’t let you.” Silence. More hesitant: “It takes two, you know that, right?”

He replies with a “Yes” but it doesn’t sound convincing, even to Buck’s own ears.

“Then believe me when I say I won’t let you start something meaningless with me.”

“ _ Except you started it yourself _ ,” Buck murmurs. He knows it’s not low enough for Eddie to miss but at this point he doesn’t care.

“What are you- ?  _ Oh _ ,” Eddie gets silent, “so the kiss  _ does _ bother you.”

“Would you drop it!” Buck hisses. “The kiss is totally irrelevant.”

“I can’t drop it, because that’s exactly what bothers you! That you think our kiss was meaningless!”

“Because it was! It was barely even a kiss!”

“Not to me!”

Buck is stunned into silence by this proclamation, leaving Eddie with the time to calm down before he continues, nervously chuckling. “Out of everyone in that room, where there’s quite a few cute girls and guys even if they are mean, as it seems like you know” both of them wince at that “I picked you with the thinnest excuse possible.”

Buck dares to look up at him, observing how he tilts his head.

“I mean it wasn’t technically a  _ lie _ but it also wasn’t the whole truth.” He quickly brushes a hand through his hair. “It  _ would _ feel weird kissing somebody I don’t know, mostly because I’d feel weird kissing somebody that isn’t you. Right in front of your eyes.

“And I know you’re cautious about relationships, and I had no reason to believe you’d be interested in anything else than friendship, so I was gonna content myself with this one kiss and not jeopardize our friendship over it. But at no point did I believe you’d string me along if I let you, to drop me later, as you and everyone else seem to believe. I’m not even sure if you ever were that person but I know for sure that you aren’t now. I’ve been there for the fallout of your last two relationships, with Abby and with Ali, and  _ they _ left  _ you _ . You took them seriously, far after you weren’t even together anymore. I know you better than to believe what they say about you.

“And I wouldn’t do that to you either. In case you didn’t get that. I care too much about you to be able to do so.”

Eddie looks up to meet Buck’s eyes once he’s stopped rambling and keeps the contact.

“Did you mean all of that?” Buck asks cautiously, both of them careful not to be the first one to look away. “Because I’d really hate losing a friendship over freaking out about a  _ Truth or Dare _ kiss.”

“You’re not gonna lose this friendship” Eddie reaches for Buck’s hand and carefully threads their fingers together.

He clears his throat. “But if that’s what you want, we could try that kiss again. Make it a real one.”

Buck’s face lights up. “Yeah, we could. We could do that.”

Eddie leans in, and this time Buck is prepared and he kisses back, lifts his hand to Eddie’s cheek, feeling Eddie’s hand come up to his shoulder, their other hands staying intertwined on their knees.

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find this fic on [tumblr](https://captain--sif.tumblr.com/post/630441490743738368/would-you-love-me-less) and [wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/959206608-would-you-love-me-less).


End file.
